


I'll Breathe Again

by foreverdestielxx



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean x Cas - Freeform, DeanCas - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, M/M, Mental Abuse, aka john winchester shitty parenting skills, sabriel ( past ), some alcohol abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-02-23
Packaged: 2018-09-23 17:28:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9668633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foreverdestielxx/pseuds/foreverdestielxx
Summary: Dean never knew just how much he could fuck up his life, until one drunken night cost him everything. That was all it took, one stupid drunken night and Dean lost everything. But, Dean didn't deserve Cas love, never did. Once again, his father was right. Dean was a fuck up, and he did just what his father said he would.10 yrs later. Dean finds himself starring down the bottle of Jim Bean, again. His father now dead, Lisa leaving him, and Cas seemed to have moved on. Until, one stupid drunken night changes Dean and Cas life forever. This whole mess started with one stupid drunken night, and it seemed it just might be able to start to heal with another. Will these two finally learn to breathe again? Does love really win? Does a love like this really never die?





	1. I shall never breathe again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY! So this is my first WIP. Not my first fic, but def my first WIP. So I'm a lil nervous but also super excited!
> 
> So please, comment and like! Let me know that you guys like it. It'll def keep me motivated and encouraged to keep going! I do have a couple chapters typed up, but I'm not going to post them all at once. Maybe once a week, though I can't promise I'll be able to post a new chapter every week.
> 
> but yes, please enjoy! if there is any questions just ask! either here or on my tumblr, which I'll link in the bottom notes. :)

“You're giving me a million reasons to let you go, you're giving me a million reasons to quit the show,” the lady sang the songs to the word in a horrible scratchy voice. One of those voices that just rub you wrong, and irritate you. Why Dean ever thought picking a bar with an open karaoke night was a good idea, but it’s not like he’s had a lot of those lately. Which is why he was currently sitting in the middle of a bar, drunk as one could get and clenching his jaw. He knew it wasn’t really the fact the women couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket, but more of the words she was singing. Because the echoed into a giant hole in his chest. They were empty and hollow words echoing back at him from his past. As if someone went back in time and heard the broken words that had been spoken to him once before and wrote a song. His past was literally screaming at him and no matter how much he drank, he couldn’t escape it. Part of him wasn’t sure if he wanted to escape it, let it go. Because it had been a part of him so long, that darkness, that guilt and regret. It’s the only thing that seems to keep him afloat anymore.

He lived off of the guilt and regret he carried around from that night with him. He had broken the heart of the love of his life and why? Because of some drunk, abusive, homophobic bastard that was now dead? Dean knew the words his father spit at him didn’t matter, except they did. ‘Because years of mental abuse fucks one up, dean.’ Sam would say on the nights he’d come pick Dean up from the bar. Drunk and almost choking on his own vomit. If only he’d listen to Sammy words and not his fathers, maybe he wouldn’t be such a fuck up. But, somehow Dean had managed to clean up. Okay, scratch that. Sam had managed to get Dean clean and back on his feet and semi living his life. But, Dean knew it was only for show, for his brother. A part of Dean died that day. He might of left that night, but his heart stayed laying in the hands of his lover, bloody and cold, no longer beating. Dean walked around with an empty, hollow, hole in his chest where his heart should be. Because his heart currently lived five blocks over, two right turns, third building to the left, second floor — apartment 214.

He still lived in that small yet cozy apartment, their apartment. It used to be, anyway. Till he fucked that up, actually that one he could truly blame his father for. If only he’d been stronger, fought his father, didn’t believe the lies he filled his head with. Maybe he’d still be living in that small cozy apartment, wrapped tight around the one that would forever hold his heart. Then he wouldn’t be a shell of a man, he wouldn’t be so empty and broken, slowly becoming a drunk. Mygod, he was turning into his father. And Dean couldn’t even care to give a damn. He just downed the next shot, and tapped it on the counter top to signal he needed another one. 12 years sober, out the window in a day. But what can he say? Shit happens.

Dean couldn’t remember much from that night, he had been drunk then as well. He’d really been fucking things up from the start really. But there was one thing he remembered clearly, the broken face of the man he loved when he walked away. _“But baby, I just need one good one to stay..”_ The words slipped outta the god awful singers mouth, and Dean could feel the memory coming to his mind, flashing forward. As if he needed another reason to remember why he needed alcohol that night. Sure it wasn’t the main reason, but it was always a reason.

 

——— **_F L A S H B A C K_** ———

Dean wasn’t sure how long it took him to find the keyhole, but somehow he managed in his drunkin’ state. Stumbling his way through the door and into the hallway, he could hear Cas footsteps. Probably coming from the bedroom, making their way to Dean due to the noise. The blonde man had tried to stay quiet, but being drunk and quiet didn’t really go together too well. The flash of the light coming on temporarily blinded Dean, causing him to close his eyes against it for a moment. Before blinking against it, trying to see once again. Once Dean could see, he wished he couldn't because the sight in front of him was the reason he had been avoiding coming home. Cas looked wrecked, a mixture of worried, scared, hurt and pissed. His eyes were red rimmed, his hair a wild mess, though it usually was but not like this. If Dean wasn’t so drunk, he’d even go to say he looked a little pale. Though, once the blue eyed man got a sight of Dean, pissed seem to take the front charge of them all.

“Honey I-” The slurred words stumbled and stopped coming out of his mouth as he found himself to uncheck a little bit of alcohol. But swallowing it quickly to avoid throwing up on the floor in front of him.

“Dean..What are you doing here?” Cas spoke, in a voice that was cold yet calm. And in that moment, Dean felt a shiver run down his spine. He would much prefer the angry yelling voice, he hated this voice. This voice scared him more then anything, and Cas knew it, and Dean knew why he was using it. Cas was being defensive, he had his walls up and Dean couldn’t blame him. Not really. Dean hadn’t been home in almost four days. Cas jaw clicked in place and it clicked Dean out of his thoughts.

“I’m coming home. What’s it look like I’m doing?” Dean pushed back, his words slurred. He knew not to mess with Cas when he was like this, not to push him too far. But Dean needed too, he had too. Because if he was going to do this, he had to get Cas mad, angry, ready to end it...just as Dean was about too. Because then maybe Dean would feel not as guilty about it.

“I mean, this is still my home.” Dean slurred out, his words a little less slurry now as some sobriety hit him. He really didn’t want to sober up for this. But the way Cas looking at him and the voice, it was sending chills down his spine that was quickly sobering him up. He’d definitely be hitting the bottle after this, again.

“I wasn’t sure if it was or not. I mean you seemed to not be able to find your way home the last four days. What changed?” Cas spoke, his voice still calm and cold. But more cold, icy cold. As if the more he stood here looking at Dean, the more walls went up. The more defensive he got, the more anger took over. Which was great, it’s what Dean wanted...needed. But before Dean could come up with a good comeback, due to his alcohol induced brain. Castiel asked the one question Dean didn’t want him to ask.

“Dean, where have you been?” Castiel questioned, his arms unfolding from his chest. The icy cold leaving his voice and worry taking over. Damnit, No. Dean didn’t want this. He didn’t want Cas to feel worried and scared or show Dean comfort and concern. He wanted him to stay angry and pissed at Dean. “I’ve been worried sick-” Dean quickly threw a hand p in the air, cutting Cas off of anything he was about to say. If Cas said those words, Dean wouldn’t be able to finish what he came here to do. He’d sulk down and Cas would wrap him in a hug and forgive Dean. And he didn’t deserve it, not with what he has done.

“I’m out.” Dean slurred a little, but it was more of a fake slur. Because some how all the alcohol that was pumping through his system left him. He felt completely sober, even though he wasn’t. Because this was the part, the part that was going to break him forever. Ruin him. But not just him, but the man standing in front of him. The words hadn’t clicked yet because Cas just tilted his head a little confused.

“What do you mean you're out? Out of what?” Castiel questioned, confusion in his voice. Though, Dean didn’t even need to hear Cas speak to know he was confused. Dean has known Castiel since they were in elementary school. He knew everything about the man standing in front of him. Which made all of this so much harder. Because he wasn’t just losing his best friend, but the love of his life — his husband. He was losing it all in one moment, because of one stupid night. Dean closed his eyes for a moment, pinching the bridge of his nose. Taking a deep breath, Dean spoke the words that he knew Cas was suspecting were coming.

“Us. I’m out, I quite.” Dean spoke, after taking a long moment. Opening his eyes he finally looked up at the man in front of him. Dean couldn’t help the small confusion that hit him this time. Instead of seeing a broken Cas, he saw anger again, but something else as well. Something Dean wasn’t exactly sure what it was.

“No.” That was it, that was the only word the man standing in front of him said. In that calm yet cold voice, that sent chills down Dean's spine. Okay, so maybe doing this with an alcohol induced brain wasn’t a good idea. Because Dean found his mouth to work like a fish at the moment. Opening and closing, but no words coming out. Snapping it shut once more, his own jaw clicking in place.

“Yes. I can’t do..this anymore, us. I just. I’m out.” Dean spoke, more firm and anger in his own voice as he stood up a little more taller. Though, inner he was proud of himself to do so. The alcohol was still there but not all at the same time. “I don’t want to be with you anymore.” Dean finally spoke, hoping and almost knowing those would be the words that would cut, finish it. Dean found his eyes had moved to the floor. He didn’t want to see the face in front of him. Because he knew, the moment he looked he would break himself. His heart already was.

“You don’t mean that.” Cas spoke, his voice was now small and Dean could hear the hurt that filled it. Even though Cas was trying to cover it up. But that voice, it caused Dean to look up. Because he had never heard the man in front of him sound so small or look so small. Cas arms were now wrapped around himself, as if trying to hold himself together. He looked so small and fragile and it broke Dean. This man was his heart, and he was breaking it. But not just his own heart, but Cas heart as well. God, he was such an idiot. For many things.

“I do. I’m-” Dean snapped his jaw shut, clicking it in place. He couldn't apologize for this because that would mean he didn’t fully mean it. But Cas had already picked it up, which caused the blue eyed man to quickly look up at Dean. And they stood like that, for how long? Dean wasn’t sure. Castiel deep blue eyes searching deep green ones, what he was looking for Dean wasn’t sure.

It was Dean who broke the eye contact, looking down before taking a deep breath. He reached up for the necklace he was currently wearing, the one that held his wedding ring. Being a mechanic he was always losing it. Cas had given him a necklace to place the ring on, so he wouldn’t lose it so much. Dean could feel the tears spring to his eyes, but he pushed them down. He didn’t have any right to cry, not when this was all his fault. He unclasped the necklace and took it off from around his neck, closing the clasped once more. He heard the soft whisper of a no and what sounded like Cas taking a step towards him but stopping short. Dean was glad, he couldn’t do this if Cas had closed the distants. He needed it.

“You don’t...You can’t…-” Castiel started but his shaking voice gave out, as if he couldn’t speak anymore. Dean knew why Cas couldn’t talk anymore. He was sure if he looked up he’d see Cas silently crying. But he couldn’t do it. Dean just cleared his throat once.

“Goodbye, Castiel.” Dean spoke softly, quietly, but neutral. Keeping all the emotion out of his voice, he couldn’t give away how he truly felt. Because it would give Cas hope, and he deserved better. Dean had turned to walk away. He had almost made it to the door when he felt a hand grabbing his arm and pulling him back. But quickly pushing him back against the door. Dean finally go the anger he wanted, but it was a little to late. And it was so much more than anger.

“NO. No. You don’t get to just walk in after four days of not coming home and just decide it’s over. You don’t get to make that decision. We aren’t kids, Dean. We are adults. You don’t get to walk away without at least telling me why you are leaving. Why you don’t want to be us anymore! After all this time.... After everything, you owe me th-” Castiel had started but Dean quickly cut him off, standing up straight. But Dean was sure it was the words that left his mouth that had stopped Cas in his tracks.

“I slept with someone else.. I found someone else.” Dean spoke the words before he even realized his mouth had said it. Shit, no. He didn’t want to tell Cas that, he just. Damnit. Everything was falling apart and Dean didn’t want to break Castiel. Not this way. The broken look that echoed in Castiel face was nothing compared to the empty hollow look that was in his eyes. His eyes looked as if his whole world just got ripped away from him and he was drowning, and Dean knew that was probably how it was. And he had done that to him. It was then that Dean looked away because he couldn’t stand to look anymore. To see that face, not like that. He didn’t want to walk out this door and remember Cas this way.

“You are always giving me a million reasons to let you go, to walk away.. But I never do.. But I-” Castiel found his voice, but it wasn’t loud or cold. It was empty and broken and so small, so so so small. The words broke Dean more than he already was.

“Then why don’t you? Why stay?” Dean questioned, his voice firm and anger in it. The complete opposite of how he felt. He didn’t need to hear the answer to know it, but he still answered the question. Castiel eyes finally snapped up to look at Dean. Still so empty and hollow.

“Because I just need one good reason to stay. You. I love you. Sure, there might be all these little things that drive me crazy. But I love you… I love you…” Cas all but whispered those last three words, as if hoping that reminding Dean of this he would change his mind. Dean felt his jaw click in place, his eyes stared right back at Cas. He knew his face didn’t show nothing and his eyes showed everything. But what they showed Cas? Was nothing to what he was truly feeling. They showed Cas that didn’t really didn’t love him anymore, that he was leaving. And Cas stared for only a few moments more before fully breaking. The hope he held on to was completely gone, and Dean could see him break. Watched him break fully. Castiel took a few steps back out of Dean personal space.

Dean could feel the tears coming to his eyes as the strung, but he pushed them down. Because he couldn’t break here, he had to hold it together. He had to pretend like his world didn’t just break. Closing his eyes for one short moment, Dean took in one soft breath before opening them back up. Cold as ever as they looked right back at Castiel, who was now looking at the floor. Tears rolling down his cheeks, this was it. This was the final image of Cas that Dean was always going to see. Would always carry around with him, that would always haunt him.

“Goodbye, Castiel.” Dean spoke once more, the words barely a whisper. Dean had move to stand in front of Cas, which had caused the man to look up at him once more. Tears filling his eyes, and spilling over. Dean looked into those deep blue eyes, more blue than they had ever been. Because of him, because he had broken the dam. Dean let both of his hands rest on each of Cas cheeks before pulling him in, placing a soft kiss on his forehead. Dean wasn’t sure how long he held on before he pulled back. Castiel lip was now trembling, as if he wanted to speak but he couldn’t.

Dean moved away, quickly, before he broke down in front of Cas. Dean moved to the door and opened it, the necklace and ring burning a hole in his hand. Dean held out his hand, the necklace and ring falling from his hands. Dean watched it fall, fall just like everything he loved, fall just like his world had just fell apart. Dean looked away, right as the ring hit the floor with a loud clinking noise. Closing his eyes for one brief moment and a deep breath of air, Dean walked at the sound of the ring hitting the floor the same time that Castiel knee hit the floor. His heart and soul, falling with them as he walked down the hall and to the elevator. Walking away from his whole world.

——— **_F L A S H B A C K E N D_** ———

 

“Dean..DEAN!” Sam yelled once more, snapping his fingers in front of Dean’s face. Causing him to snap out of whatever fresh hell of a flashback he was in. Fucking alcohol and bringing up old memories that he really didn’t want to relieve. Or need to for that matter. Dean wakes up to that day, everyday. It’s always there in his mind. Always whispering at a ‘what if’ what if he had just done it all different. Maybe Cas would...no Cas would’ve forgiven him, but Dean couldn’t forgive himself. That was the whole point of walking away. Cas deserved better and now he had it. With that Jeremy dude. Even the words sounded bitter in Deans head. Okay, maybe he wanted Cas to move on but seeing it in person, he changed his mind quickly.

“Seriously, Dean. Are you that far gone? Hello? Erath to Dean!” Sam snapped, anger was now lacing his voice and Dean knew why. This wasn’t the first time Sam had rescued from his own drunken mess, but it had been a while. Dean had also promised then that he would never do it again. And here he was, breaking yet another promise. Dean Winchester a massive piece of shit, who couldn’t keep promises. Man, this was really a new love for him. Slapping the hand that was now waving around in front of his face, Dean managed to grumble something. He wasn’t even sure what he grumbled, but Sam just huffed.

“What the hell, Dean? It’s been three weeks. Three weeks of this bullshit.” Sam spoke, his voice thin and hard. But Dean couldn’t really focus on anything, let alone Sam. But he did manage to push his brother away when he tried to help him stand. The push hard enough it almost knocked Sam flat on his ass. Well at least he still had some strength to him.

“Back off. I can do it myself.” Dean slurred the words as his own world seemed to lean a little but he managed to fix himself, to stand up straight. Dean knew he would regret all of this come morning, but he also knew that Sam wasn’t going to talk to him for weeks. Probably till he managed to sober up again, it was like being on a miragall round. Around and around they went. Sam was probably better off without him too, honestly. But Dean had already lost so much, he couldn’t risk losing his brother. Yet he was doing a fine job of doing so tonight.

“No you can’t. Mygod. How much have you had to drink? Seriously, Dean. I get that losing dad was hard, but he was a true dick. He doesn’t deserve you breaking your sobriety. Plus drinking yourself to death isn’t going to bring him back.” Sam spit out the words, they had a little les bite to them but it was still there. Dean couldn't blame him but in a drunk mess that he was, he did. He couldn’t help but push his little brother once more, making him pump into a chair.

“Fuck off, Sam. I don’t need your shit.” Dean slurred, but his words rated out a little more stronger than before. Dean was sure that Sam was giving him one of his famous bitch faces, if only he could focus long enough to look up. But he couldn't, if his eyes left the ground he was sure going to fall. Somehow he managed a quick sneak peak and he was right, bitchface he was getting. Except this time his eyes were lined with something else, something that wasn’t there before. Except, Dean was way to drunk to even figure it out, yet he was going to learn what it was soon enough.

“I can’t do this anymore.” Sam words echoed inside of Deans drunk brain, and he couldn't help but have a flashback of years ago when he said the same words. Or at least similar words. Damn, that hurt. “I can’t just watch you through your life away, again. I never asked questions back then, I still don’t know why you left Cas. But whatever. I let you do your thing. Except, then you almost died and I couldn’t let that happen….but I can’t do this again, Dean. Jo can’t handle it, not with her being pregnant. And you gotta stop man.” Sam finished his speech, sorrow and guilt feeling his voice and Dean wasn’t sure why he was guilty. And he didn’t really care, he was to drunk to give a damn. Dean let a snort escape his lips before he finally managed to look up at his brother.

“Good, because I didn’t ask you too.” Dean rumbled out as he stumbled back a little bit, pulling his keys from his pocket. “How about you just go home to your perfect little life. Your perfect wife, and perfect house and perfect job. I’ll be just fine without you.” Dean slurred a little as he pointed a finger has his brother before taking a few stumbling steps back. Sam quickly coming up to catch him from falling down, the icey stare returning. Damn, how many times would Dean be under that stare.

“Why are you doing this? I know it can’t be because of Dad’s death. Is this about C-” Dean shoved his brother hard this time, before he could even speak the name he was about to. Of course this wasn’t about Cas, why would it be? But a part of his brain told him it was. The death of his father, Lisa going, seeing Cas in the supermarket yesterday… making out with his new boyfriend. Yeah, a large chunk of i t was Cas. Sam didn’t need to bring it up. So, Dean pushed him but maybe a little too hard. The push had managed to knock Sam over, causing him to fall flat on his ass, while knocking some chairs over.

“Piss off, Sam. I don’t need you. I never did.” Dean slurred once more, anger rising in his own voice as he managed to take a couple more steps but this time towards Sam, who was now standing.

“I don’t even know who you are anymore, Dean. This isn’t who my brother is, and I don’t want any part of it.” Sam spoke, his voice was cold and angry. His lips in a thin line as he took a few steps back and away from Dean. Sorrow filled his eyes, as they looked Dean over before shaking his head once. He had broken his little brother, and Dean couldn’t even care. All he got was a cold laugh from Dean.

“Fine. I mean I don’t have a husband or a father anymore. Guess I’ll just add not having a brother to the list. Not like I needed you anyways.” Dean spoke, his words slurred but not as much as before. He wiggled his nose a little bit, as if it itched. Finally fishing his keys out of his pockets, Dean took off for the door. Paying his tab on the way out. He could hear Sam yelling for him to come back, but Dean didn’t stop. He didn’t need this shit from his brother. This guilt. Hell, he was already feeling guilty about enough shit. He didn’t need this added to the plate, though it would be there in the morning. The bartender had tried to stop Dean, knowing he was to drunk. But Dean had beat him to the impala, quickly jumping in and starting her up. Dean set for a moment, listening to the roar of the engine, it always seemed to calm him but it didn’t work tonight.

It was right as Sam made his way out the door, just in time to see Dean speed off. He saw the look on his little brothers face, disappoint. But Dean didn’t mind it. He continued his way down the road, still drunk and everything blur. He was pretty sure he was headed open, but Dean wasn’t exactly sure of anything at the moment. It wasn’t long though, before yet another shit storm to hit Dean. He was positive he was at least half way home, when it happened. The sound of screeching tires, a flash of bright light hitting his eyes, causing him to close them, before the impact hit him. At first it was all bright lights, before he fell into darkness. Deep darkness.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> akdsljldsjkf. I hope you guys are liking it, or at least interested! Like I said, comments and likes are very much appreciated! Kind of left it at a cliff hanger, sorry!
> 
> but next chapter will be up soon, pinky promise! :)
> 
> also, if any questions just comment or ask me on my [tumblr](http://lightwooddanvers.tumblr.com/). (( click tumblr, it's clicky and a link to mine lol ))
> 
> also, title inspiration comes from these two songs:  
> this [one](http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/tonibraxton/breatheagain.html) and this [one](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2yPU5WPwZs).
> 
> Also, Idk how many chapters this will be. It just depends now here the story takes me. Yes, where it takes me, not where i take it. Bc, lbr. This story is in charge of me, lol.
> 
> Hopefully, if this is successful I'll start doing more. I'm kind of tempted to do a a/b/o fic, but we'll see how this goes first!
> 
> Also, this is not beta! so if anyone is looking to beta, message me on tumblr! I'm always looking for one! :)


	2. He's the air I would kill to breathe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> big thank you to this beautiful [babe](http://research-blackwings-denial.tumblr.com/) for semi beta reading this, but also for just making sure it all makes sense! ily.
> 
> also, i could still really use a beta! so if you are up for it, hmu. bonus? you get to pre-read before everyone else! haha.
> 
> also, idk how hospitals work for everyone?? they are probably different through out! but, I'm just going off of how my hometown hospital works! okay, well two of my hometowns. Lawrence and Atchison. So, if I get something wrong? I apologize! But it is a fake world, so ah.

The sound of a soft buzzing noise drew Castiel from the deep sleep he’d been in.  Usually Cas would just ignore the sounding of his phone buzzing this late at night, especially after he just came off a long shift at the hospital. Actually, he had ignored the annoying thing the first time it had rang. But, it was now working on it’s second round and something prickled in Cas gut — telling him that something was wrong. That prickling feeling quickly woke him up, causing him to finally roll over and sit up on the bed. His hand found its way to the nightstand where the phone was, picking it up and sliding his thumb across the screen — answering it.

 

“Castiel Winchester?” The voice on the phone was firm but warm and a little hesitant, except Castiel could hear the underlying tone in it. It was the same tone he used when something bad happened to one of his patients, and he was talking to the family. Also, the fact that they had called him Winchester stunned him a little bit. He hadn’t gone by that name in a long time, going by Novak these days.

 

“Yes, this is him. May I ask who is calling at...3 in the morning?” Castiel paused looking at the clock twice, just to make sure he was right. That prickling feeling in his gut turned more solid and he could feel his stomach drop, this was bad. There was only two types of phone calls you got at 3 in the morning, and this wasn’t because someone needed to be bailed out. Which meant it was the other kind of phone call and Castiel found himself praying it wasn’t going to end up with someone being dead. 

 

“Uh, yes. Sorry. This is Nurse Donna. I am, I work at Lawrence Memorial Hospital. But, you probably already know that..” Donna let a soft chuckle out, but it was humorless. Castiel could tell she was stalling, which was unusual when one was getting a bad phone call. But Castiel also knew Donna, which is why she had been hesitating at the last name when he first answered. Donna was a great nurse, but she was the worst at delivering bad news. And she knew Cas knew that, which was why when he took in a deep breath Donna remained quiet for awhile. 

 

“Cas, it’s Dean. He wa-... it’s not good, Cas.” Donna finally broke the silence, her voice quiet and small. Castiel was sure she was looking around the nurses station, wishing she didn’t have to be the one to tell him. Castiel found all the air in his lungs to leave him, leaving him breathless and finding it hard to breath. Leave it to Dean Winchester to leave him breathless, he was always doing that to Cas. He was the only one that could ever leave Cas speechless and breathless, looks like he could still do it. 

 

“We need you to come in, Castiel.” Donna spoke, more professional this time but not by much. Castiel still couldn’t find the words to speak, hell he couldn’t even figure out how to breathe, let alone form words from thoughts. He simply kept nodding his head, even though he knew that Donna couldn’t see him. The soft crackle of Cas came through the phone, Donna still making sure he was still on the line..or at least not dead, he felt like it.

 

_ Dear god, please don’t let him be dead. _

 

It was the only thought going through Cas mind at the moment as he quickly stood up, moving around the small room, quickly throwing on some loose fitting grey sweat pants and semi tight fitting black t-shirt. “I’m on my way, Donna.” Castiel finally managed to speak through a tight clipped voice, before hanging up. Castiel wasn’t sure what he was most nervous about. Seeing Dean in general, seeing him dead, or seeing him all hurt and broken. Even though it had been Dean that had ended it years ago, Castiel knew that it had still broken him, just as much as it had Cas. Even though Dean had broke it off, Castiel had still remained close to Sam and Mary both. They didn’t know why Dean had done it, but either way they refused to let Cas just walk out of their lives. Most the time, they would update Cas on how Dean was doing or how bad he was doing.

 

Cas would also be lying if he said he didn’t ask them, most the time he asked them and they told him. Except, about two years ago Cas had stopped asking, when Dean had finally moved on with another person. Lisa Braeden. Cas didn’t blame him, he had to move on at some point. Even if Castiel had still be holding on to some sliver a hope.  But, the day that Cas had seen the two in the park all happy and lovey dovey that hope had died, along with him in a way. Sure, he still had his job at the hospital and he now had Jeremy, but even then he was still living on autopilot. Just doing what he was supposed to without actually living, in a way without breathing. He was just there, but not there. 

 

Quickly shaking himself from the line of thoughts his brain had decided to go down, Castiel grabbed his keys out of the small glass bowl next to the door. Slipping on his tan trench coat, he made his way out of the small apartment he had once shared with Dean, making his way to his car — before making his way over to the hospital. Cas had a feeling that he should probably call Sam. But, after he got to the hospital and knew what was going on. Castiel had a feeling that this was going to be a long night, and everything was about to change. But for the better or worse? He wasn’t sure yet. Only time would tell.

  
  


**☆ﾟ. * ･ ｡ﾟ ★**

  
  


“Donna!” Cas exclaimed as he quickly made his way into the emergency room, maneuvering his way around all the commotion. Castiel was sure he looked like crap, his hair was all over the place and he was dressed in not the best wear. But under the circumstance, he didn’t really give a shit. His hair also seemed to be a little damp due to the rain that had slowly started to pick up once he made it to the hospital parking lot. Castiel quickly looked around at all the commotion before looking back at Donna, expectantly waiting for some news.

 

“Gabe’s in room 214.” Donna spoke to Castiel’s questioning look before rolling her eyes some at his raised eyebrow. “He was the on call attending for the night, working the emergency room.” Donna spoke to Cas’ unasked question, earning a quick nod before looking back around. Things had gotten crazy after he had left, he blamed the full moon. 

 

“Sooo, Winchester, huh? I never saw that one coming.” Donna spoke, a low grin on her lips as she placed her hands on her hips. Castiel knew the look in her eyes, which meant she was wanting the long story behind the last name. Which Castiel quickly shook his head before pointing a thumb behind him and quickly taking off down the hall to find Gabriel. “You can’t hide forever, Castiel!” Donna yelled in a half joking tone before turning back to the busy night ahead of her. Cas knew that part of her light hearted tone was just her way of dealing with all the crazy. But, it also told Cas that it was pretty bad, which set him on edge or more on edge then he already was.

 

Cas had quickly located the room, which Castiel found empty. Gabriel was sitting on the small couch that was in the room, filling out a chart. He looked tired and worn out, but something told Castiel he still had a long night ahead of him. Castiel quickly cleared his throat, to let the other man know he was in the room. Gabe looked up from the chart he was filling out with an annoyed look on his face that quickly melted into a half smile. 

 

“Cassie!’ Gabriel exclaimed softly, before standing up and making his way to Cas, pulling him into a long hug. Something told Castiel that it probably wasn’t a good sign. “You look like shit, bro.” Gabe said after releasing Castiel from his tight grip hug and pulling back. Cas quickly threw up his best icy death glare before softening a little bit. The worry and fear must’ve been heavy in his eyes because Gabriel finally seemed to snap into realizing why Castiel was here and looked like shit.

 

“Shit. He’s still alive!” Gabriel said quickly, as if thinking Cas was thinking the worst. Which in all honesty, he had been. First Donna acting the way she did and then Gabe, it didn’t really give him the best of hope. A breathe he had been holding escaped his lips, his lungs deflating. He hadn’t even realized he had been holding his breath. He felt another intake of air fill his lungs once more just to be let out. Bending at the waist, he rested his hands on his knees, as if he could hardly manage to stand up. Which he felt like he couldn’t in ways. He’d been holding his breath, fear running through his mind the whole drive to the hospital. But, now that he knew Dean was still alive he could breathe, well semi breathe. Because there was still a reason why he had been contacted. It obviously wasn’t just a little bump on the nose. Gabriel must have picked up on the questions running around Castiel’s head, because he quickly lead him over to the small couch in the room, setting him down.

 

“Dean was in a car accident. It was pretty bad. But, more for legal reasons than really medical. I mean, he’s in surgery right now because of a piece of glass getting lodged into his side, it bleeded out a lot. Had caused some internal bleeding, but he’ll live.  Also has a broken leg, but it was clean so it’ll heal fine. Also dislocated shoulder, they popped it back in place, but it’s pretty bruised and will take some time to heal. Face is still pretty as ever tho, imagine that. Didn’t get a scratch on it.” Gabriel couldn’t help but roll his eyes, but in a fond way. Even though Dean and Cas had broken up or whatever they was calling it, everyone seemed to remain close…Well, except Dean and Cas but that was probably about the only ‘normal’ thing about this whole situation. Plus the fact that Gabe and Sam had a fling back when Sam was in college, also might have something to do with why they remained close. But, Sam was married to Jo now. So Gabriel and Sam remained just good friends, and it worked. 

 

“He’s got the normal cuts and bruises from a bad wreck, but Cas that’s not the worst of it.” Gabriel spoke, his voice was more serious than before and that set Cas back on edge. Would it be worse than how fucked up Dean was? Gabriel took this time to remain quiet for a long moment, fidgeting almost before looking back up at Cas. 

 

“He was drunk, Cas. Really drunk.” The words tumbled out of Gabriel’s mouth but Castiel was having a hard time hearing them. Or more like he didn’t really want to believe them.

 

“What? No. I’m-. Deans been sober for almost 8 years now. He wouldn’t just throw that away, get plastered AND risk wrecking the impala. That just-.” Castiel found himself running out of words to form full sentences, it just didn’t make sense. Cas knew that Dean would take losing his dad hard, but not this hard and not this late. It was something else, that much Castiel knew. But he wasn’t exactly sure what. Dean loved his dad, but Dean wouldn’t throw away eight years of being sober for John Winchester.

 

“You need to call Sam, Cas. Dean is going to be deep in shit creek, with no paddle to get out.” Gabriel spoke the words, his hand resting gently on Castiel shoulder, giving it a soft squeeze before standing up. The sound of the door opening to the room, snapped Castiel out of his ghostly state and caused him to look up. The sight of a bed being wheeled in, two nurses and the surgeon came walking in. The doctor looked just as tired as Gabriel did, telling Cas that it really had been a crazy night. 

 

“You must be Mr. Winchesters, husband? Castiel Winchester?” The doctor spoke, his voice firm yet gentle as he moved his way over to Castiel. 

 

“Yes, Doctor.” Castiel spoke, quickly answering to the name causing Gabe to raise his eyebrows with a grin before making his exit. Castiel quickly rolled his eyes before looking back at the doctor, with a weak smile.

 

“I’m Dr. Goodwin, but just call me Cain.” The doctor's voice remained to be firm yet gentle, and Castiel took a little comfort in it. Even though it still remained a little bit cold, but that was just most doctors. 

 

“Doctor, what happened?” Castiel finally spoke up, finding his voice after just simply nodding a few times. His eyes had lingered away from the doctor, to look at Dean. He seemed almost peaceful, but he always did when he slept. God, how much that man had changed yet was still the same. Castiel felt his heart break a little just from looking at the man in the hospital bed, he was almost a complete stranger yet not at all. Cas was sure the only thing that really changed about Dean Winchester was that he had aged a little bit. Even more gorgeous than before, if that was even possible. Castiel shrugged away the thoughts and quickly pulled his eyes away from his husband to the doctor standing in front him. As if the Doctor knew what Castiel was doing, he was just smiling softly. Waiting for Castiel attention. Oops.

 

“Your husband was in a bad car accident last night. He suffered some minor injuries, some cuts and bruises along his stomach and back, and his lower legs and upper arms. Mostly from the impact and the glass. He needed surgery because a piece of glass had lodged itself into his side, causing a small amount of internal bleeding and needed attention. He lost some blood, but we gave him a transfusion. So he should be okay, probably a little drowsy and out of it when he does wake up. Mostly from the General anesthesia. His left leg is broken, but lucky for him it was a clean break. So we just had to put a cast on it, it should heal up just fine. His right shoulder was dislocated, but we got it back in place. It’ll be bruised and sore, but it’ll heal just fine. You’re husband is going to be sore as hell, but he’s going to be just fine.” Cain explained everything in the most simple terms he could find. 

 

Probably not knowing that Cas was a doctor himself. But in this moment he was grateful for it, his brain was still a confused pile of shit. It was going in a million different directions and he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to keep up with all the medical terms. The first thing in his brain was that Dean was fine and was going to be okay. But another part of him was worried that he wasn’t going to be fine. Something was wrong, Castiel knew it. He just wasn’t sure what and he wasn’t sure if Dean would let him in long enough to figure it out. Unfortunately, he wouldn’t have a choice. Seeing how Castiel was still his husband and most likely would be his caretaker, things were about to get interesting for sure.

 

“There is another matter.” Cain spoke up once more, after he had finished going over the chart and checking Dean’s vitals. All this taking place while Castiel had been pulled into his own thoughts, his eyes now looking at Dean. AT some point in his thought process, Cas had moved closer to Dean’s bed, now standing right next to it. Getting in the nurse's way a little, but he couldn’t find it in him to care, not right now. Castiel knew he shouldn't let his mind get too caught up in being the worried husband, because Dean was going to wake up and most likely push Cas away. They were still married, but they had been seperated for almost 12 years now. Castiel had no right to be here, not really. Maybe by law. But, shouldn’t Lisa be here? It was the first time the thought came to his mind. And Castiel quickly pushed it and the jealousy it brought up down. Now wasn’t the time to deal with that. 

 

“You said he was in a car accident. What about the other driver?” Castiel asked, finally speaking up after a long moment of being quiet. Castiel still wasn’t sure who was at fault here, if it was Dean or the other driver. But knowing that Dean was drunk off his ass, Castiel felt his stomach drop. If Dean was at fault, the medical issues weren’t going to be his only issues. Though, he’d still have legal issues they wouldn’t be as bad. Which was why Gabriel had told him to call Sam.

 

“The other driver isn’t as bad. A broken arm, I believe. But seeing how the other man was at fault, Dean got most of the damage and most of the injuries. But, both will live. Also, both will need to speak to the police as soon as they can.  Which is a matter, but not the other matter. Due to his high level of alcohol, they haven’t given him any pain medicine. The alcohol would just burn it up, and it would be useless. He’ll be in pain when he wakes up, at least if he wakes up in the next three hours. If not, one of the on call nurses will be in to give him some pain medicine. Considering how out of it he was and the General anesthesia, he’ll be out till morning.” Cain finished going over everything in the chart, that Castiel would need to know. The older man gave Cas a soft smile, before patting him softly on the shoulder, making his exit.

 

Castiel was now left alone with Dean, sure Dean was knocked out and would be high on pain medicine when he woke, Cas still felt a little uneasy. There was no way in the seven hells that this whole messed up situation could go any other way but bad, and that feeling set Cas on edge. Also, the fact the police would be in here to try and question Dean. God, he needed to call Sam. At some point Castiel had sat down in a chair that was sitting besides Dean’s bed, one of the nurses had probably scooted it over from the corner. Standing up from the small comfy chair, he pulled out his iphone from his coat pocket, quickly dialing up Sam’s number. Cas wasn’t sure why he moved to the small corner of the room, and was trying to be quiet. There was no way in hell he was going to wake Dean up, not with being under General anesthesia, plus the alcohol and soon painkillers. That man was going to be out of it for awhile. 

 

“Cas? It’s almost 430 in the mornin-. What happened?” Sam quickly went from sleepy to alert, it almost gave Cas whiplash. Castiel found himself clearing his throat for a moment, trying to find the words to speak. He felt like he seemed to lose his ability to speak all of a sudden. 

 

“It’s Dean, Sam. He was in an accident.” Castiel finally spoke the words, a deep breath leaving his lungs. His own voice was shaky to his own ears, and he was sure Sam could hear the panic and fear still lingering in it. Even though Dean was alright. A soft sigh and an audible click of Sam jaw echoed through the phone line told Cas that Sam had already know, or had a feeling. Which caused confusion to slightly set in.

 

“Damnit. I should’ve known… Listen, we had a fight. He had been taking dad’s death pretty hard. Though, I’m pretty sure it had less to do with Johns death and more to do with y-... with something else.” Sam muttered, lamely finishing up his sentence. Castiel couldn't help but feel like he was going to say  _ you  _ at the end of that sentence, which caused his heart to flutter a little. However, Castiel quickly squashed down any feelings of hope and excitement that climbed their way into his heart.

 

“What happen, Sam?” Castiel finally questioned, in a soft tone. The line stayed quiet for a moment longer before a sigh escaped the youngest Winchester, and he quickly dived into telling Castiel everything that happened.  Cas was torn between being pissed at Dean and Sam, but also his heart ached for Dean and the pain he was going through. But he also understood where the younger brother was coming from. A deep sigh escaped the dark haired man’s lips, this was all just one big cluster fuck.

 

“Just, don’t let Dean answer any questions. Okay? Immediately lawyer up. Tell them that you already contacted your lawyer and he said not to answer any questions. That he would set up a time and date, if they got a problem with it. Give them one of my cards.” Sam spoke softly into the quiet, after a moment of silence. Both men still trying to catch their breathe. Everything was falling apart, yet somehow Castiel couldn’t help but feel like everything was coming together.

 

“Due to Dean being all medically fucked up, you have power of attorney over him and can make all the calls. So, just give Dean one of your stern looks and tell the police to fuck off… just not in those actual terms. You get the picture. I’ll stop by later, I just… I can’t face him right now, Cas. I’m sorry.” Sam mumbled the last words quietly, as if ashamed to say it, and he probably was. His brother was just in an accident and was in the hospital. However, Castiel wouldn’t hold it against him. Like he said before, everything was a big cluster fuck.

 

“Get some sleep, Sam. I’ll try to do the same and we’ll regroup tomorrow. It’s been a long night and morning.” Castiel spoke, a yawn escaping not just him and also Sam. Cas hurried a grunt in response, then came the goodnight. After ending the call and locking his phone, Castiel placed it back in his pocket before taking up a spot in the chair once again. God, he really hated sleeping in hospitals. But, he wasn’t going to leave Dean. Even if all of this was a big giant mess, he wasn’t going to leave him here alone. It was the last thing the man needed and honestly, Cas wasn’t ready to leave him yet anyways. 

 

“If you need anything, Cas… just let me know.” Anna spoke in a soft voice, as she gently laid a blanket down on Castiel lap. He hadn’t heard her come in, which caused him to jump a little at her voice. But he quickly relaxed, before nodding softly. 

  
“Just make sure you give him his drugs before he wakes up. Trust me, you don’t want to deal with him otherwise.” Castiel spoke in a teasing tone, tiredness seeping into his bones. Cas heard a soft chuckle come from Anna, before she softly patted his shoulder. He was positive he heard her whisper something like  _ sleep _ , but he wasn’t sure. Lucky for him the chair was a small recliner, so he quickly kicked out the footrest and leaned back, tossing the blanket out to cover him up some — Castiel quickly found himself falling into the beautiful darkness of sleep. He hadn’t realized just how tired he was, how worked up and scared he had been, till everything was calming down. The adrenaline leaving his body, he was slowly crashing himself. But even with sleep calling his name, Castiel found himself to remain on the edge of sleep — just in case something happened, he wanted to be semi alert to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slkdfjsljf. I am SO sorry for taking so long to post the next chapter! BUT it is finally here! My birthday present to you! Since it's my birthday, I wanted to give something to y'all! Hopefully, chapter 3 will be posted sooner...rather then later! But for now, enjoy! :)
> 
> as always, my [tumblr](http://lightwooddanvers.tumblr.com/). :)


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